I've been through it! I know what it is like to get attached to someone and ask over and over "Are they the one, Lord?" And all of the sudden "confirmations" start coming. Have you ever bought a car and suddenly you notice while your driving your new car that a LOT of other people have the same car? And you never noticed this before? It can be the same way with confirmations. Now God does confirm his word, but the devil loves to send you false confirmations. And then sometimes our minds play tricks on us because we want something badly.
My suggestion is, if you believe God has sent you someone, use WISDOM and COMMON SENSE! When I get in a situation where my emotions are engaged, and I think I might be hearing from the Holy Spirit but I'm not sure, I do these two things:
1.) Pray/ worship/read bible/listen to sermons until I get my peace back. You can't think clearly without your peace!
2.) Compare the decision to wisdom and common sense. The bible tells you to seek wisdom and common sense! Would it have been common sense to marry a porn addicted gambler? Wisdom to marry someone based on my friend's dream?
Don’t turn your back on wisdom, for she will protect you.Love her, and she will guard you. Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do!And whatever else you do, develop good judgment. If you prize wisdom, she will make you great.Embrace her, and she will honor you. Proverbs 4:6-8NLT
This is a section from Want to Find your Mate? Bible Study!
(Which by the way starts April 9, 2010 for 6 consecutive friday nights)
15 Biblical Signposts the Lord sent the person to you for the purpose of marriage:
I had the first ten of this list in my book Where’s my mate?, but I want to go over it in detail here. After Where’s my mate? was published and I was teaching the bible study for it, the Lord put on my heart that there were at least five more signposts to know whether or not he sent someone so I added them.
Here is a list of questions you need to ask yourself when you do meet someone:
1. Do they put God first in action and not just words?
Someone who is not truly committed to Christ is not someone you want to marry. Listen up! If they can’t keep their commitment to Christ, what make you think they will keep their commitment with you? Just because someone attends church with you, does NOT mean they are in a right relationship with God. Do they obey the bible?
Is it obvious that you put God first? __________________________________
Matthew 7:15,15 (NLT) “Beware of false prophets who come disguised as harmless sheep but are really vicious wolves. You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act. Can you pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?
2. Do they do the things they say they are going to do? Do their actions line up with their words?
Again, if they can’t keep their word and they have a habit of lying, what makes you think that they are going to keep their marriage vows? Lying goes against the bible and if you marry someone who lies, shame on you. Someone who cannot keep their word is immature and not ready for marriage! DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE WHO HAS A PROBLEM KEEPING COMMITMENTS!
Do you keep your word? Do you practice what you preach? ______________
Romans 1:28-32(NLT) Since they thought it foolish to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their foolish thinking and let them do things that should never be done. Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, quarreling, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip. They are backstabbers, haters of God, insolent, proud, and boastful. They invent new ways of sinning, and they disobey their parents. They refuse to understand, break their promises, are heartless, and have no mercy.
Read this next scripture carefully!
He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son. But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death." Revelations 21:6-8 (NIV)
I bet you are thinking “Wow Bethany, isn’t that a little harsh?” You have to remember that I did not write it. The Apostle John wrote it. Revelations is a collection of letters given to the Christian churches to OBEY! Therefore, if you are a Christian, the above scripture from Revelations applies to YOU! There are no loopholes just because you call yourself a Christian! If you have been lying, REPENT!
Do you lie? _____________
3. How do they treat singles of the opposite gender who they would not consider dating? This is especially true for men who are visually stimulated. How does he treat women who he thinks are ugly? How does she treat men who are obviously financially wealthy?
You want a person who walks in love. If you are with a person who treats someone who is attractive better than they treat someone who is average, how do you think they are going to treat you when you are old and gravity hits? Or if you are female, after you’ve had a few children?
How about after you are married if they work with someone who is very attractive? Or if someone marries you because you are financially well off, what will happen if the great depression hits and you go bankrupt?
How do you treat singles of the opposite gender who you don’t find attractive physically or financially?
Matthew 22:37-39(NLT) Jesus replied, “‘You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
4. Watch what they laugh at. Do they laugh at things they shouldn’t find funny?
I believe what people laugh at reveals the condition of their heart. I have been in movie theaters where the audience laughed at what they should have not found funny. Luke and I have walked out of a comedy show before because of the content. What type of movies and TV shows does the person you are involved with watch? Are they laughing at things that God condemns?
Do you laugh at what you shouldn’t find funny? ________________
Proverbs 14:9 Fools make a mock at sin: but among the righteous there is favour.
5. Do they walk in holiness and refuse to be involved with you sexually until after the wedding?
We have already touched on this subject but if someone really loves you, they will wait. If you have to have sex with someone to get them to marry you, what will you have to do to keep them after the wedding? If someone can’t exercise self control before the wedding, do you really expect them to exercise it after marriage and only stay faithful to you?
Are you willing to remain celibate until you are legally wed? ______________
1 Thessalonians 4:3 For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:
6. Do they only attend church to impress you?
The person you marry should already have a home church or group that they are associated with. If they are avoiding church, what else are they avoiding? Prayer? Holiness? Studying God’s word? I am a firm believer in having a home church. Now I know we can still go to heaven without having a home church, but I believe that if you attend the church/group God has called you to, your life will be enhanced.
You will receive healing, deliverance and be surrounded by your brothers and sisters. You will be able to grow and mature in the gifts and callings that God has on your life. You can bloom where you are planted. I also believe that my Pastor’s weekly sermons are a direct word from God to me. I believe there is a supernatural, spiritual protection that a pastor has for their sheep. Just make sure you are in the church that God has placed you in.
Hebrews 10:25 Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.
Why do you attend church? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
7. Who are their best friends? I am not talking about the people they minister to, are aquatinted with, or their blood relatives. I am talking about their close friends with whom they share themselves. Do they avoid deep relationships with godly friends or are they afraid of accountability?
Take a good look at the person’s close friends. Are they godly people? Have you ever heard the saying “birds of a feather flock together?” If the person you have a romantic interest in hangs out on a regular basis with people who get drunk and hang out at clubs, there is a good chance they do too. “Well Jesus hung out with sinners!” is the excuse I mostly hear. He sure did, and every time he did, he passionately preached the gospel to them. So did the Apostle Paul. If your close friendships are with unbelievers, are you passionately preaching the gospel to them? Jesus wasn’t a silent witness around the unsaved.
Are your best friend(s) serving the Lord Jesus Christ? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
1 Corinthians 15:33 (NLT) Don’t be fooled by those who say such things, for “bad company corrupts good character.”
8. Have they been faithfully staying out of harmful behavior (sexual sin, excessive amounts of alcohol, drugs, stealing, lying, witchcraft such as horoscopes, Ouija boards, etc.) or do they only go for a season and then fall back into old and destructive habits?
This type of person that continually falls back into bad habits is doubleminded and probably unable to commit. This type of person will also suck you into a vortex of pain and misery. Stay away! If they want help with their problems, they can find someone other than you to assist. Believe me, if someone really wants help, they will do everything possible to get it. Don’t be someone’s crutch. If you are the type of person who is attracted to troubled people, who always seem to need your help, then don’t carry this addiction over when looking for a mate. If you want to take care of needy people, volunteer at a nonprofit organization. Also, this type of person could be suffering with Multiple Personality Disorder from a trauma they suffered. This type of person needs (Godly) professional help and they are NOT ready for marriage!
Do you want to marry someone who creates problems or solves them? _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
James 1:8 A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.
9. Do they passionately pursue what they believe the Lord has called them to do?
If you are with someone who is not putting God first, then you are asking for major problems in your marriage. When the endorphins wear off and trouble comes, you will seriously regret your decision. Furthermore, if you are trying to pursue what God has called you to do, and you are married to someone who isn’t, it will eventually drag you down. You will spend a lot of time in your prayer closet begging God to “please do something with him/her!”
Are you passionately pursuing the vision God has place in your heart? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Proverbs 29:18 Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.
10. Do they pursue money, fame, or success or do they seek after the Lord? How do they handle finances?
If a person is putting money above God, then chances are after the honeymoon, they won’t put you or the children first either. They will put their career first and spend nights and weekends away. Are they a good financial manager? Do they run up their credit cards? Debt is no fun. Trust me. I have my own horror stories. In fact, I wrote an excellent book on what the bible says about finances called Where’s my money? I highly suggest you read it.
Do you pursue money, fame or success? How do you handle finances? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Matthew 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
11. God will put supernatural love in that person’s heart for you, and you for them.
Listen to me, marriage isn’t one sided. It will be two of you at that altar. And it is called an altar, because you will be sacrificing your life to each other and to God. However, the person you are interested in, has to have a love for you. You cannot make someone love you. If you manipulate someone into being with you, the relationship will eventually grow sour.
If you read Where’s my mate? then you remember how God supernaturally put love in my heart for Luke. There is a purity to this love. It isn’t lust that came through physical attraction or a big bank account. And ladies, trapping a man into marriage by becoming pregnant out of wedlock is a waste of time. A man marrying out of guilt and obligation will cause him to resent you, not love you.
When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Galatians 5:19-23 (NLT)
12. Your relationship together will bear fruit for the Kingdom of God.
Anything God does will produce fruit and marriage is no different. God has a plan and a purpose for marriage, and that is to produce fruit for His kingdom. If your relationship with this person isn’t producing good fruit, then it isn’t from the Lord. And no, it is not your job to drag your beloved to the cross and try to influence them to do right before the Lord. This person will ALREADY be bearing fruit for the kingdom of God and when you marry, the fruit will continue to multiply. Again, don’t waste your time on someone who is not already walking in holiness before the Lord.
James 3:17(NASB) But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy.
According to James 3:17, wisdom from God is what? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Did you notice that James said “good fruits” is a product of God’s wisdom? Again, if God has sent you someone, “good fruits” will be there. Read the following scripture from John 15 OUT LOUD before you move on.
John 15:4-6 (KJV) Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me.I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing. If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned.
13. There will be a “pruning off” and a changing of relationships.
Read the following scriptures:
Matthew 19:5-6(KJV) And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
Mark 10:6-8(KJV) But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.
Guys, you may have to leave some of your buddies behind. If God is moving you into a new season where it is time to start “leaving and cleaving” then go with the flow. Sometimes our friends get jealous or resentful when you start spending more time with your beloved then them. If God is trying to move you into marriage, STOP DRAGGING YOUR FEET and catch the wave of God’s Spirit. Don’t let procrastination and people pleasing habits frustrate a move of God in your life.
14. There will be “wear and tear” on the relationship because two lives are beginning to blend together.
People are messy. Period. When we have been single for a while, and become “set in our ways and schedules” we can’t expect the other person to automatically get in line with our lives. Make sure you show each other respect. Know when there is a real “RED FLAG” in the relationship and when there isn’t.
Examples of RED FLAGS:
Addicted to pornography
Doesn’t attend church because of all the hypocrites
Flirts with your friends and everyone else they think is cute
Is disrespectful towards their parents
Can’t hold down a job
Examples of FALSE RED FLAGS:
Doesn’t like chic flicks
Hates pizza and it is your favorite food
Disagrees with you on who the writer of Hebrews was. You believe it was Paul, and they are convinced it was Peter
Wants to get married on the beach in Cancun when you wanted Hawaii
Faithfully attends a bible believing church, but it’s not your home church
Proverbs 14:4 Where no oxen are, the crib is clean: but much increase is by the strength of the ox.
15. There will be a battle in the spirit realm.
Godly marriages produce Godly results. Do you really think Satan is just going to sit back and let you do damage to his kingdom by marrying God’s choice? Get your head out of the clouds. If there was warfare preceding all of your other victories, why would getting married God’s way be any different? Don’t forget to read the scriptures below.
Ephesians 6:11-13(KJV) Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
John 10:10 (KJV) The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.